Holy crap, Timothy Olyphant is hot. Have you seen "Justified"? I hear it's well written, blah, blah, blah. I'm a sucker for a cute face and a southern accent. I never thought I'd like a man in a white Stetson hat. (Is it Stetson? Isn't that a cologne from the eighties?) But, turns out, once you turn thirty-five and you're getting a divorce... You get a little less picky. Plus he doesn't wear it the whole time. Which I'm happy for. I don't want his hair to thin.
He's married by the way. "Happily" with four kids or some shit. (Like you can be happy with four kids. I only had one and it didn't work out.) Totally kidding. I'm sure he's happy and having sex all the time.
My point is... my infatuation is purely for fun. (Unless Mr. Olyphant is reading this, obvs.- Dead serious, Timmy, I'm flexi.) Totally kidding! (T- not really.)
My step-mom had been talking about "Justified" for a while. I never really watched it though, because I thought it was about the wild west or, something. And, it didn't seem like my cup of tea. I thought it was weird she was into it, too.
Then I got an audition for the show. So, I had to watch it. And, I became obsessed. It was a great show. And I realized why my step-mom liked it so much. She's getting a divorce, too! I feel like all of the divorcees that got sucked into "Justified" should send a thank you note to Graham Yost, the creator, thanking him for the gift of Timmy Tuesdays.
Now those of you outside L.A.... Don't get to excited. My audition was one line- "You mean, we have to buy the book?" And, no one from the show was even in the room when I "auditioned". I put "auditioned" in quotes because what I did was not what I would call a proper audition. Are you surprised? It's me for christ sakes.
Having said that it was no big deal... In reality, it was a HUGE deal, for me. Sadly, it was the best audition I had in a while and I went over that line every possible way you could say it. I was like a parody of an actor in my car for three days.
"YOU mean? We have to BUY the book?"
"You mean, WE have to buy THE book?"
"You MEAN! We have to buy the BOOOOOK?"
Every time in a different southern accent, too. Twang, Dallas, drunk Austin, standard Dillon. I love you, Tim Riggins. (Not Taylor Kitch. Tim Riggins. Big difference.)
Basically, I put a lot of effort into this one line. $120,000 at Loyola Marymount University had prepared me for this audition. Thank you, Dad. Happy Father's Day. Your daughter will never be able to pay you back!
Then something amazing happened. I also got an audition on the same day for a Tylenol Pediatrics commercial. Score!!! Two in one day! Great! What time? Oh. At the same time. Three o' fucking clock. Not to get into pointless details, but I was unable to change either of the appointments. And, I was not going to choose! These were the most auditions I had in a year and they were on the same day and the same time and, fuck you, if I was going to miss one. Not you, personally. But, you know what I mean.
I decided to go to the commercial audition two hours early. I thought I'd pop in and out then have plenty of time to get in the zone for, "You mean, WE HAVE TO BUY THE BOOK?" I had vocal exercises to do in the car.
So, I get there and there are about three girls in front of me, which isn't too bad. I sign in, they take my picture, then the hand me a packet.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Those are your sides," the casting assistant answered.
"Okay, what page are the sides on?"
"They want you to read the whole thing... to camera."
holy fuck balls.
This was ridiculous. And, more importantly, this is going to take forever! I have to get to my "Justified" audition on time, because if I don't get on time I won't get this "game changing" part and I'm never going to have Baby Olyphant the fifth. But, there are only three girls, so I should have plenty of time.
One and a half hours later, I am on-deck, cursing myself as to why I didn't just leave and come back after my Tim O. audition. I finally go in and I read the novel they gave me all straight to camera for twenty minutes. It's pretty uncommon to read straight to camera, except for commercials. Anything goes in commercials. But, you definitely ask first before you read straight to camera at any audition. You're usually reading with the casting director and if you read straight to camera without being asked to, you look like an idiot. Stupid actors. How hard can it be?
I finally finish "War and Peace" by Tylenol, and rush out to my car. There, I find a ticket on my windshield, because, you know, I was in there for the past twenty four hours and I only put enough change in for twelve. But, whatever, my co-starring role on the FX network will pay for a million tickets. I must get to the audition!
By the time I hit the 405, I am realizing I'm going to be late. Like late, late. So, I call my agent to see if she will call Cami Patton's office for me and let them know I am running behind. Well, the fuckers wouldn't do it and said I had a ten minute window after my appointment, so if I'm not too late, it would be ok. Seeing as I was able to do my hair in a french braid, while stopped on the freeway. I was pretty sure ten minutes were not going to be enough. So, I bravely say,
"Okay, cool. I can make it by then. Thank you soooo much!"
I'm so co-dependent.
Forty minutes late, I arrived at the audition of my career. As I parked, I debated whether or not to even go in. But I decided, after all of this madness, I might as well try. Besides, they could be running totally behind and they won't even notice. I rushed down the hall and pulled myself together before I opened the door, vowing to myself to not make this a big deal. Don't even mention it to the CD.
I opened the door and the room was... empty. No one was left. Regardless, I signed in and sat down. I was not going to make excuses and over-apologize.
A young woman walked into the lobby and I-
Immediately pounced on her.
"I'm so sorry. There was traffic, I had another audition and I had to read a Tolstoy novel-"
"It's okay," she said, "I'm Chrystal. Follow me."
"Okay, really? Okay," as I followed her inside, I was trying to go over my line in my head, but the acetaminophen jargon was stuck in my head from the Tylenol commercial. Thankfully, when I walked in the casting room, I remembered the line and got it out for the audition. I thought it went something like this:
But, then Chrystal giggled a little to herself and said, "Ok, that was good. Now say the line to me."
"Huh?" I grunted. I thought my read was brilliant. Subtle, yet captivating.
"You read it to camera. This time read it to me."
"Oh, right! I was going to ask. Okay," I nervously blurted out, realizing my blunder.
What the fuck was I saying, 'I was going to ask'? NO, I WASN'T. Because I have been to an audition before in my life and I know you don't read to camera unless asked to. Effing commercial!!!!
So instead, this is what I looked like:
I didn't get the part.
I mean, I guess they didn't want a crazy red headed bumpkin playing the part of "Real Estate Function Attendant #2".
Here's the irony...
I booked the Tylenol commercial and I am extremely grateful for the silver lining. However, I had to memorize nine pages of medical jargon that I didn't get to read to camera. Which meant I couldn't use the teleprompter.
You try saying, "By contrast, the old packages of infants' acetaminophen say eighty milligrams per zero point eight milliliters and are labeled as concentrated drops," five different ways.
I was a theatre major. I can barely spell theater.